For Documentation Purposes...

I've been thinking about blogging about this for a long time. It is something I want to document, because it is consuming my life. I want to be able to look back on it when we are over this trial and be able to remember what we went through and that we survived the pain. It's a sensitive subject, and I will probably not be able to write this without bawling like a baby. You can feel free to stop reading here. :)
We have been trying for over 2 years now for a second child. After trying for a few months at the beginning of 2010 with no luck, I went to my doctor to find out that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was shocked. I was devastated. We had no problem getting pregnant with Addelyn, and then to have this thrown at us was a huge curve ball. I took Clomid (fertility drug) for a year... a whole year! I would go in every month to have blood drawn to see if it was working. It supposedly was. Still, nothing changed. I have no idea how severe my PCOS is. It did not seem to concern my doctor much, so I was not worried. After a year of following me closely, they decided to look in to Tyler a little bit. We had some tests done which were basically not totally conclusive. He may or may not have something to do with it. So... we are stuck. Our insurance won't cover any type of fertility treatment and we can not afford it at this stage of our lives. My doctor basically said that he has done all he can and good luck!
It seems that every month my period falls one day later than expected, when this happens I get super excited, take a pregnancy test, and then cry. It's hard to go through every month. It's hard when almost all of my friends (all but 2) are pregnant or had a baby within the last year. I am excited for them, most definitely! But it's hard. I want to have that experience again. It's no secret that I have always wanted a big family. The only thing I have ever wanted to be was a mom of 8 kids. :) (Tyler has talked me down a bit... we're at 6 kids now.) If things had gone according to our plan I would be pregnant with number 3 right now.
The thing that breaks my heart the most about all of this is that Addy will not have a sibling close to her in age. I so badly want her to have that. To be able to have a best friend that is a sibling. I know it can still happen, and I hope that it does, I hope that the age difference will not be so immense that she feels left out.
We've prayed, we've fasted, we've done everything it seems, but it's just not happening for us. I am doing a little better now, than I have for the past 2 years. I have learned to live with it. It doesn't mean that I don't still have a hard time every month when that time rolls around or when I find out someone else I know is pregnant... I'm an emotional mess. BUT I have faith that this will not be permanent. I have faith that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. I am grateful to Tyler who is so strong through all of this, who comforts me and just lets me have my bad days and crying sessions while holding me. I love him. I'm glad it's him that I have by my side through all of this.
Addelyn is what keeps me going. She is everything to me. Because we are having such a difficult time this time around it just makes me all the more grateful to have her in our life. Our family would not be the same with out her. She is our miracle baby. I love her! How could any one not be dying for another after having her? I love her!

Hopefully some day in the near future this will all be water under the bridge and we will be able to look back on it and be grateful for the growing that this has provided us. I hope that day is soon.